I'm not just a vicar's wife.

That much is true - not least because my husband isn’t technically a vicar yet, he's a curate. So, perhaps that statement should read; “I’m not just a curate’s wife.” but I sometimes find that people think a curate is someone who looks after museums so "vicar" is just easier. Either way, the sentiment still stands - I am not just a curate’s wife.

For the past ten years I have been involved in youth work as a youth team volunteer, a youth theatre practitioner, a full-time church worker and now as a sessional youth worker. I also have a diploma in Youth Mission and Ministry (just to try and prove I vaguely know what I’m doing…!) but all of that seems to pale in comparison to a decision I made in May 2015 - I got married. I knew when I said “I will” that I was not just vowing to love my husband unconditionally (even when he puts the loo roll onto the holder the wrong way…), but that I

was committed to serving alongside him in the ministry God has called us both too. I may have watched High School Musical too many times but I really do believe that ‘we’re all in this together’.

Michael's ordination at York Minster

I’m still working out what it even means to be a vicar’s wife as I think people still have certain expectations of what a vicar’s wife should be that usually resemble that of a 1950s housewife. Unfortunately, I once served a pizza which was both burned and frozen at the same time and was responsible for the great custard flood of 2014 so I am fairly sure I won’t be fulfilling that particular stereotype any time soon! As I say, I’m not quite a vicar’s wife yet but to be honest I’m already preparing myself for people to assume I’ll be helping with the children and youth work at our church out of obligation and not my own vocation. I want to serve at whatever church my husband is at because I love working with young people and being part of the same church community, but I must admit it’s an odd thing to already feel the need to defend my own calling on account of my husband’s.

To be fair, when some people find out I’ll be the wife of a vicar they say how lovely it

will be for us to serve alongside one another but for others I think they see me as a tag-along to whatever it is Michael is doing because after all, he will be the proper church worker! I guess I find it all a little frustrating to get my head around as I was a youth worker before we were married and I don’t think I’m any less of one now that I’m married to a man of the cloth and so don’t understand why my “vicar’s wife” status should come before my youth worker calling. I was actually asked before leaving one job how long I had before I left to go

and follow my husband – as if I would have no role of my own except to go wherever Michael went. I know this was said slightly tongue-in-cheek but it still stung. Not only that, but sometimes I hear things like; “What a bonus he’ll come with a free youth worker!” and though

this may, too, be said as a joke, I can’t help feeling there is some truth to it, and that saddens me.

Too often I find that youth work is seen as a stepping stone to ‘proper ministry’ or to the ‘real church work’, or that it’s assumed I’m doing it as part of a gap year or that it can’t be my legitimate full-time job. I suppose they do have a point – can it even be called a job if all we do is drink tea, eat food and play games?! (Admittedly, that is how I spend a good portion of my time, so perhaps I shouldn’t pull at that thread too often…!) But the point is, even if I was

doing this as a gap year (as many do), or even if I was “only” part-time (and I’m sure many of us know all-too well how full-time ‘part-time’ is), the fact remains that it shouldn’t belittle or detract from the importance of youthwork because ultimately young people matter. I can’t help but take offence when people imply – whether in jest or not – that I will work for free because I’ll be married to a vicar, because it isn’t fair; not because I wouldn’t work for free – I have and would again – but because it seems to overlook the true value of youth ministry.

A bunch of "big questions" asked at one of my youth sessions.

In honesty, I never imagined I would be a youth worker; I had great plans to be a princess or at the very least a famous (and wildly successful) actress. To be honest, I’m not sure many kids grow up dreaming of a life in church ministry but nonetheless, here I am; all because one day I felt God speak the words “youth work” over me when I didn’t even know I was praying. I guess the reality for me is that I really like working with young people - I think

they’re great. On the whole, I find them to be inspiring, lively, unpredictable, witty, deep, bold, wise and brave human beings who just happen to be younger than I am, but certainly no less precious or valuable to God. Sure, it is hard work dealing with hormones, stresses, pressures and relationships and it is isn’t always a piece of cake – though I do often approach these issues with baked goods – but it is so worth it. To play a small part in their life as they fathom faith and navigate the distressing dramas of adolescence, and to help them realise their true value to the One who made them, is one of the greatest privileges of my life and one I wouldn’t change for the world – not even for the glitz and glamour of the red carpet on my way to Oscar-winning glory!

I realise I may be (metaphorically) preaching to the converted here, but I do think in this line of work it can be easy to be disheartened. It is so easy to lose sight of why we started doing what we are doing when we start to compare ourselves and our ministries to others, or to feel devalued because of how other people rate our ministry when they imply it isn’t a “proper job”, or ask when we’re going to don a dog collar because really, if we can talk about

Jesus, why wouldn’t we do that for the people that really matter?! I guess what I’m saying (as much to myself as anyone else) is that we mustn’t forget why we do what we do and most importantly The One we do it for.

I’m no expert and have a long way to go and grow in my own ministry, but these are things I know to be true: we are not practising ministry before progressing onto ‘real people’, nor are we simply here to entertain teenagers or serve in an inferior ministry. We are all serving a generation of brilliant minds who really can be the change the world needs to see right now - no matter who we are, whether we’re paid or voluntary, part or full-time - or indeed regardless of who we may (or may not) be married too.

I am a youth worker in my own right; I am not just a vicar (well, curate)’s wife.

Article originally published in Premier Youth & Children's Work Magazine, June 2017. Edited October 2018.